Why be someone else when you can be you?

Pooja Bedi
30 June 2013, 06:01 AM IST

Our lives are like a train journey. Imagine it as a black line on a white canvas. There is a starting destination which is birth and the final stop which is death, and in between a bunch of "common to the majority" stations like school, job, marriage, kids, grandchildren along the way. Your friends, family and spouse are the passengers on board your train, your journey is predictable and you most likely will make that your blueprint. However, it's not the black and white road map of the train route, but the incredible colours that you add between every station on the canvas of your life, the little detours you take for adventure between the predetermined stops that gives the entire canvas depth, meaning, originality, and purpose. Unfortunately, there are many that choose to let others paint their canvas or purposefully and purposelessly copy the canvas of others. What a pity! We are given such a glorious life, no one is born with the same fingerprints and yet choose to live a life that is unoriginal and not of their own determination. They allow themselves to be dominated, dictated to, lives their lives only in competition and comparison to the achievement of others, and there are those that blindly ape others be it personality, attitude or hair colour because they are too scared to stand out. There are parents that push their unfilled ambitions onto their kids. It's actually amusing that we worship with such intensity a man-made statue of God, but ignore the incredible uniqueness of being someone who was created by God himself. Revel in your thoughts, your dreams, your ambitions, your relationships, your choices. You are not a robot. No one has your remote control but you. Make your life matter. Make it yours.

I am a 40-year-old woman and I have a eight-year-old daughter. She is always stuck with me and becomes hysterical if I go out of sight. Because of this, I've had to leave my job and stay at home. I also have to drop and pick her up from school and always have to reassure her that I am there for her. This way I don't see my child growing into an independent and responsible adult. Please help!

Either there is a reason she is traumatised at being left alone or she doesn't have anyone else that she shares a close bond with. Perhaps you can sit with a councillor and ensure there is no one that is causing her stress or harm in your absence, and if there is or ever was such a person, that she heals from the trauma through professional therapy. Make sure kids her age come home and play with her. Get her into reading, craft or any other self-play options which will keep her occupied and enthralled. Let her home be a happy space with or without you. Responsibility is all about conditioning so ensure your time spent at home with her educates her in being responsible and independent, be it personal hygiene, self-imposed routines, manners, responsibility towards possessions, helping with household chores, etc.

I am a 21-year-old girl and I broke up with my ex two years back. But we still keep coming back to each other, only to part ways again. I have tried talking it out with him but we both find it difficult to permanently grow apart. Please tell us what to do.

It's very simple! If your prickly issues despite two years of effort have remained unsolved, it's time to move on. Of course it takes effort to move on and bravely walk the tough single path again v/s it being so easy and comfortable to slip into old shoes and travel familiar roads. But you're just 21 and you have time, exuberance and optimism on your side. The only way you will move on is if you keep the space empty for the right guy to walk into.

My son is 12-year-old and he has a constant habit of lying. With time I have realised that he lies even about the smallest things. This trait of his worries me a lot. I have scolded him on occasions, but he still continues doing the same. Kindly help.

Parents don't realise that they themselves set the wrong example most of the time. They tell a crying child they are coming back in two minutes and disappear for hours. They make up numerous "bribes" to keep a child happy for the moment but which they never deliver. So first ensure that your home environment is "lie free" and that the right value systems are in place. Also, when he does tell the truth, no matter how difficult it may be to digest, tell him you appreciate his honesty. Sometimes people don't tell the truth because they are scared to do so. Children respond to praise better than shouting. Praise him when he is honest. Praise honest people and express your admiration for them when in conversation with adults and he is listening. Make a chart with every family member's name on it and accord gold stars for every truth told. Let the weekly winner get a surprise treat or gift. Let him win the first week, but don't let him win every week, make him work towards it.

I scored a first division in my college exams but my best friend got a third division. Now, she's behaving very oddly with me and often snubs me in front of my friends. How should I tell her to mind her behaviour?

If she's your best friend, it should be easy for you to talk openly and honestly with her. Don't put your assumptions on the table, but instead tell her she matters to you and that you are sensing a distance being created and don't want the gap to widen. Remind her of all the fun, crazy, sensitive, deep moments you have shared and say such a bond should be lifelong and that she should share whatever bothers her about you, openly, because true friendship is about love and communication. Give her a tight hug, tell her you love her and let her make the next move.

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