15 September 2013, 03:25 PM IST
In fairy tales the step mother is always evil, jealous, demanding, scheming and cruel with a mission to drive a wedge between father and child. Growing up with such fairy tales and a negative social conditioning towards remarriage and step parents limits our minds. But we need to break that mindset because words like 'divorce' and 'remarriage' are not bad words, and should not be frowned upon. If a marriage is bad, you must exit it, and if there is a void, it must be filled. Children need not be jealous; as it's an intimate space they cannot fill, so make them understand that. They will find their own life partners and move on.
The only thing you need to factor in with ample thought and consideration is that you choose wisely someone that will enter a readymade family looking to love and be loved by them. I have had two stepmothers and I must say, they were wonderful women who brought a lot of love, care, positivity and fun into our lives. We've always seen them as someone additional to love and be loved by. Of course it took a little time, energy and effort to adjust, but it didn't take away from our family life, it added to it. In turn, I am extremely clear that if my children do not like the person in my life, I'd definitely not take him to the altar, because their happiness and emotional well being is paramount to me and their approval matters. At the same time, it's important to know that they are unhappy with the person, not unhappy with the void being filled. A 'step parent' isn't a stereotype to be fought, vanquished and banished; it's a potential 'step' towards more happiness for all.
Q&A
I am a 28-year-old woman. Until two years back, I had a fantastic job and I thought my career was going great guns. I found a better prospect and joined a new place and now my life seems dull and boring. The job sucks and the people here are even worse. I do not have the enthusiasm for anything anymore and I have become dull and lifeless. My boyfriend has started getting annoyed with me because I am constantly whining about how terrible life seems like. I see a lot of people my age, around me unhappy and dissatisfied about the same issues as well. Will quitting my job solve the problem or is there a bigger problem with me being dissatisfied about things in general?
Clearly it's the job, because these issues have cropped up since you switched. To do something every single day that is monotonous and sapping will naturally impact your energy levels, stress levels and happiness quotient. Normally I would say happiness is a state of mind, so be happy you have a job especially since there are so many around that are jobless and starving. However if you have a choice, then change your job = change your headspace = change your happiness quotient = change your life! A good formula.
I am a 32-year-old woman. I have had a lot of happy relationships and been with lovely men who I am great friends with even today. Right now, I am in a stable, happy relationship with a wonderful man. It has been two years and he has hinted that he would like to get married to me. However, I am petrified of tying the knot. I think the romance goes out of the window once you get married and everything starts falling apart. Am I being extremely pessimistic in my outlook?
Romance is all about effort, and what jades every long term relationship is the 'taking for granted' attitude that sets in. Voice your fears and make a pact that works in your relationships interest. For example, both can promise to orchestrate one surprise outing every week in turns, one surprise gift every month, sex in a different position or place at least once a month and to hold hands, kiss and cuddle and be affectionate on a daily basis. Make these affirmations. Let touch, care and gestures always be integral to your togetherness.
My boyfriend (of three years) and I are planning to get married in a few months. We're both helping our respective families with the planning. But of late he has been wanting his way too much, going against all our décor and food ideas too. How do I get him to understand that my parents and I also need to make decisions without upsetting my relationship with him?
Tell him that whether it is the marriage functions or the rest of your lives together, marriage is not just about sharing responsibilities, but also respecting each other's desires, dreams, likes and dislikes. Marriage is a two way street. Depending on his reaction, you will get a clear idea what the rest of your married life will be like.
My brother is leaving for the States to pursue a higher education and I have been feeling very upset about it lately. I know it's for his own good and that we can visit him after a few months but I can't stop feeling distraught. How do I feel better and put on a cheerful face for him?
Firstly, how nice to have such sibling love and secondly, just know the amazing virtual world is on your side to ease the strain. Today, thanks to social media you both can share constant updates and interactions on every aspect of daily life and through free video chat see each other too. Right now what you need to determine is do you want him to remember your last interactions with sadness or feel happy at your thought? I suggest you make them wonderful, happy and fun.
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