27 November 2013, 07:32 PM IST
Recently, we spent a wonderful Sunday afternoon at a friend's penthouse that overlooks a lake in the suburbs of maximum city. I say 'wonderful' not only because of the rapier wit that our hosts and their nephew and niece – investment bankers who had spent a fair amount of time in the UK – displayed, the stunning view around us or the exquisite bill of fare that was laid out on the occasion. I say 'wonderful' as it felt very good to experience the obvious warmth between uncle and nephew; aunty and niece; and the kids and their grandparents. What I also enjoyed – with perhaps a tinge of envy – was all the stories they shared about their hectic social calendars whenever they are in Kolkata, because of the breadth of their family tree and the active levels of engagement that all of them maintain with each other.
Looking back, I remember a couple of years in Kolkata which were very much the same for us: the simple, but carefree games my cousins, my brother and I would play at my grandparent's house where we would congregate every couple of weeks. The dinners at my aunts' houses, the picnics out of town, the movie nights, the pujas, bhai phota (bhai duj), countless sleepovers and the equally countless weddings, birthdays and invitations. In those salad days I never really differentiated between my sibling and my cousins: it didn't matter, since my parents never taught us to differentiate between them.
The first jolt out of my innocent reverie was perhaps when one of my cousins chose to start 'limiting' her invitation to bhai phota. Several years later, I felt the bonds loosen some more when we were all preparing for college. Suddenly, I sensed an underlying cloud of competition darkening the otherwise clear, warm and fuzzy firmament. The answers to my innocent, but keen questions - 'how did s/he do in her exams? What does s/he intend to do now? And, where all has s/he applied?' met with stonewalling or vague answers. Over the years, these feelings of veiled mistrust have continued to intensify as we have drifted farther and farther apart till we have all started to feel like outsiders in our own family.
Then two years ago, some of these barriers started to fall away with the passing of my parents, and our over powering realization of the fragility of human life. We started to make an even greater attempt to reconnect, join the dots and repair the torn fabric of our relationships. In the meanwhile, each one of us – cousins – had continued to move in our chosen, but different directions. We had completed our education, started families, chased our dreams, moved cities, and risen up the corporate ladder.
But then looking back on the years gone by, I realize things are not the same, nor are they ever likely to be. We have all drifted too far apart. The past 15 years have seen me change several cities and countries, while many of them stayed on where they were. During much of this period, I remember looking with envy and anguish every time my wife's aunts and uncles called and asked after us, while mine never did. And then, over time, they too became infrequent and almost stopped, and when they did come, were far more searching and pointed rather than caring and compassionate as their children grew up as peers to my daughter.
Strange as it may sound, I don't believe we have all changed that much. It's the circumstances of our existence and our frame of reference that has: we still call all our relatives on occasion, visit them whenever we are in Kolkata, and ask after the well-being of their children – my nephews and nieces – though I realize we would probably walk past each other, without the slightest hint of recognition, on the street. What we have stopped doing however is imploring them to call us if and when they get the time – as we have done over the past decade and a half. Our experience has shown they never will, though you are left to carry the cross of responsibility if you don't. Our expectations of them are pretty much dead.
Have we become more stoical as a result of these experiences, yes; am I saddened by the fact that I have a cousin in maximum city who has chosen to disappear ever since he has got married, yes; will I one day forsake these relationships once and for all? Well….maybe not. Some thirty five years ago my parents took a life-changing decision to allow us – my brother and I – to experience the happiness and the strength in living together (not necessarily in a joint family) as a family and this is what holds us together - even though time has flown, they have passed, and regretfully, the knot has irreparably loosened.
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