19 December 2013, 09:42 AM IST
As a divorced dad, I am continuing to struggle with a fact that so many people refuse to accept - that fathers play a unique and an irreplaceable role in their children's lives. Despite the studies and research data available, there are those that believe fathers are replaceable—that father's simply fulfill a role that any other man or even a woman can fulfill. If this were true, cocky deadbeat men would just sow their wild oats and simply walk out of their marriages!
Over the years, I have also been confronted by many, who believe that another man can replace a child's father, and the resulting conclusion a majority have reached, for me, is that dads are dispensable.
As I have tried to reason with their understanding, this is what I derived - divorced women have a lot of intuitive appeal especially in today's economic climate where a growing number of single mothers serve as breadwinner moms and are raising children on their own. The belief that fathers are indispensable ignores not only the evidence, but also the facts that fathers and mothers parent differently and the unique subtle parenting styles are actually good for the children.
While I continue to believe that fathers are indispensable, I have tried to look deeper in my reasoning to understand why so many people ignore this fact and the common sense - that fathers are NOT replaceable.
First, (alarming as it may sound) - our society is individualistic!
Our society has a strong individualistic perspective and it comes with a belief that individuals can overcome their challenges and rise above them, when they focus on improving their own lives first before trying to improving other's in the society they are a part of. In a democratic nation such as ours, where our constitution was designed with laws to protect and give freedom to individuals; the very fact that our culture focuses on the individual itself is convincing proof - of people coming together and sacrificing their interests for each other or towards the common good However, in light of a challenging situation the needs of an individual outweighs the needs of society.
As a result of living in such a culture we tend to ignore evidence of what transpires within the population as a whole. Collective evidence has to be population-based to be considered important enough, and be of high impact value, sufficient enough to reach conclusions on the broader population. It therefore, is not a problem with the evidence—that is certain.
Individualism therefore has nothing to do with evidence. The challenge is that we live in a culture where certain issues are considered taboo, making it difficult for people to accept, least act on certain issues. Instead people fall upon their own experiences and sometimes on those of their friends and family to draw broader conclusions about a variety of issues. And if their experiences do not match up with the evidence, they simply ignore them and erroneously conclude that their individual experiences also apply to the society.
Generalized exceptions are applied to ignore the evidence - If they are a child from a father-absent home, or have raised a child in a father-absent home or know of someone from a father-absent home and who turned out fine, then, clearly, fathers must not have been important.
Second, People are susceptible to 'Information bias'.
They are drawn to sources of information that affirms their beliefs, and ignore information that does not fit with how they see the world. When we have the opportunity to collect information from the world, we are more likely to select information that supports our pre existing attitudes, beliefs, and actions.
To the affected household, the tricky thing about such 'information bias' is that it can look very scientific and appealing but can negatively affect the decision-making - a decision regarding parenting issues for example. Furthermore, the effects of information bias increase with the emotions involved—the more emotionally charged an issue is, the more the likeliness of this bias.
When searching for evidence that supports their belief, people seek out sources, which further seals their minds. They then become even harder to convince, especially because this issue is so emotionally-charged.
When we disregard the gender bias and the distinctions of parental influence as unimportant or unnecessary, we neglect the proper development of children. Kids need the active participation of both the parents, and parents in turn need to be true to their gender designs. As a society, we impoverish our children when we deny them the influence of a mother and a father, and limit their development into full, healthy adults.
Frankly, I wish this country did not need the assistance of any NGOs or such other social activists and social organizations, as long as there was enough awareness and an effective governance of our family laws. But, for many father's like me, that find their personal tragedy having its own momentum, the search for their children will continue as long as it does and most importantly, as long as there are children who need their dads.
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