28 January 2014, 05:45 PM IST
I have resolutely held off making resolutions for the New Year. The echoes of resolutions shattering across Sherwood Forest in this, first month of the year, prove me right. Everyone's off their diet already. The gyms have stopped resembling funfairs and the pubs are heaving once more. As I nibble at my dark chocolate biscuit (I'm on MY diet still), I wish we were as yielding, as flexible when it comes to the freedom we allow our growing children. Instead we become men of steel, iron ladies, as starkly forbidding as the forest of Sherwood in the winter, as vengeful and underhand as King John, and as harsh and punitive as the Sheriff of Nottingham with the outlaws. And like them, when we don't like the choices our children make (especially sexual ones; in which we should have very little say), when we can't control who they are, we make them outlaws in their own homes.
It's a tale as old as time but in 2013, the bigoted seemed to have worked extra hard at turning the clock back. The Russian government passed a law banning the "propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations". With subsequent veiled threats from Putin of a pogrom against Russian homosexuals and a concomitant rise in harassment, the Sochi Winter Olympics are all set to become the iciest of global gatherings in a while. Not to be left behind, at the fag end of last year, the Indian Supreme Court recriminalized homosexuality. These wise men reversed the progressive 2009 Delhi High Court ruling legalising consensual, adult gay sex because, in essence, they agreed with its hidebound challengers that homosexuality was "illegal, immoral and against Indian culture". Yesterday, by rejecting the strongly-felt petition to review their decision to make homosexuality a criminal offence again, they reiterated their atavistic stand.
But I'm NOT on my sturdy Sherwood oak soapbox today to point out that penalising almost 20% of the global LGBT community does us all harm. Oh yeah, that's how un-Indian it is; nearly one fifth of the world's gay population is Desi. And if you'd rather not believe that, then even the most conservative estimate puts "them" at 20 million strong ("And they walk amongst us. Bachao!" did I hear you say?). For a country so pernickety about its image, victimising a responsible, hard-working, often hugely creative community of non-criminals don't look so good, y'know? With last December's doings, we've rediscovered our hallowed position, high on that list of nations that know diddly-squat about biology, history, humanity and good sense (the ILGA blacklist).
Nor am I here to tell you that the whole concept of oppressing people for their sexual orientation is so archaic it boggles the post-Neanderthal mind. Ironically, while it's ridiculously old fashioned to be anti-gay, being gay is a very old fashion indeed; there's plenty of proof it's always existed in humans, it's become equally clear that animals can be homosexual too (oh dear, haven't you heard? Which cave have you been hiding in?). Or that it's morally wrong. It kinda follows that if it's natural and practised responsibly (the only kind of sex, gay or straight, that I support), it can't be criminal and to persecute people for it puts us in the wrong. But you've heard it all before and it hasn't changed your mind, so I won't go over that again. And anyway, plenty of you don't need coaxing out of caves. You're already there, basking in the light of reason. But stick with me even if you do agree, and put your two paise in at the end; we can move mountains when we shout together. Mountains of tosh. Straight into the Indian Ocean.
I'm here for a parent to parent-in-denial chat. I am a mom of two little ones. I can't change the minds of lawmakers, politicians and those natural leaders of our society, the patriarchs, who know best about everything. But I can try, just try, to persuade a parent or two to think before they react (badly) when their just-turned-adult offspring reveal they're gay. The overturning of the progressive, humanitarian 2009 Delhi HC verdict worries me because far from the courts, the police and the baying fundamentalists, in the quiet of homes across India, this new ruling validates the mistreatment that young people, gingerly stepping out of the closet for the first time, receive. Of course, this ruling affects gay people of all ages but I do believe it harms the young more. Older people have survival strategies in place and what society thinks of them matters less. The threat of jail for something categorically NOT criminal is terrible. If, as sometimes claimed, it's more often used to extract bribes than to detain, it is still unpardonable. Worse even than that is the deep, wounding disapproval, the ridiculous and hurtful attempts to "cure", and the severing of ties that many young, gay Indians experience.
What this ruling does is say to the purveyors of prejudice in their own homes - carry on, carry on stifling, punishing and banishing your children rather than admit there are many different ways of being good human beings, even "good Indians"- carry on. And that tone with which the SC judges told us they did it for our own good, wasn't that disturbingly familiar? It's employed in thousands of Indian homes when the older generation finally realise their children are never going to fit the rigid and suffocating mould they'd been trying to stuff them into from the moment they were born. You know the patter don't you? We know best, we are being cruel to be kind, we have YOUR best interests at heart. They insist you listen. They raise their voice. That makes it louder but not true. Most parents have convinced themselves they always act in their children's interest. With loving parents, it's usually true but not always. When I scold my little boy or girl for talking too loudly in a "nice" restaurant, am I really doing it to improve their manners or because I don't want fellow diners casting looks-that-kill our way? How often is it about our own "values"; received wisdom we've never sense-checked? How often about saving face when our kids don't quite fit in?
If the sticks and stones you fear society will throw at your gay offspring is your reason for trying to change them, then consider this; they are just as likely to be discriminated against for their gender, disability, dark skin or some other trait that isn't someone's idea of perfect. You could, of course, take against your child for coming into the world dark or female. There are bleaching agents that damage skin (and self-esteem) for life or wells to throw your baby daughter into. You could do that. Or you could decide to love the most precious thing the world will ever give you. Whether they live up to your dizzyingly "high standards" or not. Got a mirror in your home? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I can see you staring at the mirror aghast, wondering if I just said you might be gay too. Well, you might, but that's not what I meant. Your child is so like you. Their sexuality is as natural as yours, just a touch different. Like my son has green eyes while the rest of our family have brown. Your gay child is not a rotten apple. Just yellow-orange while you are red.
Filmmaker Chitra Palekar said: "My daughter told me - Amma, I'm a lesbian. I wasn't shocked. I was just taken aback. My only knowledge about homosexuality was through films and literature. But I immediately accepted her. Because she was the same person she was two minutes ago. Nothing about her had changed for me." Like that Cole Porter song…"Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let's do it, let's fall in love"...with our children. When they tell you they are homosexual, embrace them. Tell them you'll fight the world for them, and you might find you don't have to. You've given them the strength to take on all-comers. Far from loving my children less for having the chutzpah to be themselves openly, I would love them more. I would support them in asserting that right. Sadly, not everyone feels that way. We've all heard the horror stories of beatings, forced marriages, and "remedies" that parents subject their children to. We strenuously deny these things happen in our circles. Maybe not, but exile does. Some boys I knew in school had to choose between living a lie and leaving home. They left. And though fortunate to find and openly love a partner of their choice, they never really found another place that felt like home. Does it have to be a choice between love and home for the Indian homosexual, can't they have both?
We can pat ourselves on the back that unlike Saudi Arabia, Iran, or Nigeria the punishment isn't harsher. You could be executed for homosexuality in many Middle Eastern states. It's illegal to be gay in 36 out of 54 African nations. You could get life imprisonment for expressing desire, as Cameroonian Roger Mbede did. He had texted "I'm very much in love with you" to another man. The violent ill-treatment he received in prison led to his death this month. But I can't help feel that the vilification, rejection and withholding of medical treatment by his family, after his release, hastened his end, like nothing else could.
In the West, you won't be executed, imprisoned or face as much disapproval at home for being gay. Not these days. But there are enough instances of discrimination, bullying and random jackbooted attacks to suggest homophobia is alive and well. Then there's David Silvester. This far right United Kingdom Independent Party councillor has made the entertaining claim that England's recent floods are divine retribution for the legalisation of gay marriages in 2013: "The scriptures make it abundantly clear that Christian nations acting contrary to the Gospel will be beset by natural disasters. Large swathes of Britain have been afflicted by storms and floods because no man can mess with Almighty God and get away with it". Even the UKIP found this hard to swallow, and Silvester was suspended. But which bit of a legal, life-long commitment, for which gay couples have fought long and hard, is immoral or irreligious? Two people in love who want to spend their lives together; a thing of beauty, surely? If like poop-head Putin, you believe paedophilia goes hand in hand with homosexuality (it SO doesn't), or if, like the former head of the Indian Psychiatric Society, Indira Sharma, you think the LGBT community are promiscuous, sex-obsessed exhibitionists who make out with anyone (just as long as they're the "wrong" sex), constantly and just anywhere, then the fact that so many of them want to settle down with each other is good, right? At the very least, it will stop the 24/7 canoodling on the kerbside, in the bushes, atop restaurant tables. But it won't stop the floods.
If we, and the generations before us, had grown up seeing the similarities (and the love!) amongst people rather than the differences, if we'd been encouraged to do so by our parents, then we wouldn't have the strife-torn world we live in now. If our inalienable right to individual choice and the happy acceptance of those of others' were taught at home, then parochial politicians and moth-eaten men in wigs wouldn't be a worry anymore, as they too would've been taught the right things at home. Because there's no place like home to start changing the world (I know, I know, I've said it before but it IS worth saying again). Here, in the woods, our babes have seen relatives in happy relationships with same sex partners. To them it's as natural as Daddy and Mommy being together. Coming home shaken when a schoolmate insisted "girls can't marry girls", they asked if that could be true. Sitting them down with bickies and milk, I reminded them of Aunties Lisa and Jane. I told them how happy Lisa and Jane were after a decade together. How completely at ease in a world that only half-accepted them. How keen to live a good life and do the right thing by society. And though the wintry wind lashed mercilessly at our kitchen window, my children glowed with pleasure at the thought of their loving, lesbian aunts. "I remember when Aunties Lisa and Jane got married", my son beamed. "What a wonderful day that was!" my little girl finished for him.
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