26 February 2014, 08:55 AM IST
The strangest things happen at election time.
Anna Hazare has dumped his favourite acolyte Arvind Kejriwal and endorsed Mamata instead. So has Imam Bukhari. This has pitchforked her onto the national stage as a likely third front candidate for The Big Job. Salman Khan was last seen flying kites with Narendra Modi in Ahmedabad. Modi fans pitch this as a clear sign that Muslims are no longer averse to their leader. At least Bollywood's poster boy is not. Nor is the original AYM, who is no longer so young nor so angry. He is Gujarat's most hardworking salesman.
Not to be left behind, the ageing disco dancer has dumped his leftist allies and become Didi's MP. While the bejewelled fat man who scored the disco number is now singing ditties to Didi's bête noire.
In the midst of all this, Amma has gone for the big kill. She has decided to set Rajiv's assassins free, now that the Supreme Court has spared them the gallows.
The freak shows on the side are as winsome. Kalmadi and Pawan Bansal, who brought ignominy to the Congress, look all set to fight the elections again on Congress tickets. The party has let Ashok Chavan go scot free even as Rahul demands stricter action against the Adarsh scamsters. Ofcourse Chavan, like Home Minister Shinde, is neck deep in Adarsh. So is Uttam Khobragade whose daughter has single-handedly managed to destroy Indo-US relations over an underpaid maid. In gratitude for the Congress support, Khobragade Sr has now staked claim to the Ramtek seat on a Sena-RPI ticket.
Kiran Bedi has dumped both Anna and Arvind, aligned with the BJP. She expects a Lok Sabha ticket, having declared Modi as the best man for 7 RCR. But Arvind is attacking Modi for shielding the corrupt. And AAP is fielding the Mahatma's grandson, Rajmohan Gandhi against him. Meanwhile, Kiran Reddy has resigned as CM because the Congress is breaking up Andhra to win some seats in Telengana with TRS, till recently its sworn enemy. And Tarun Tejpal, who has entrapped cricketers and politicians, lies rotting in jail for 80 days. He claims he's the victim of a BJP honey trap.
But the guys who take the cake at the Mad Hatter's Ball are not politicians. Penguins are pulping copies of Wendy Doniger's book just to welcome the incoming regime. The world's leading publishers prefer to shred a book rather than hurt Hindu sensibilities. While the self declared new leader of the Dawoodi Bohras, the late Syedna's son, has asked all followers of the Islamic sect to not only declare their allegiance to him but abuse his uncle who the Syedna had anointed as his spiritual heir 50 years back.
Sharad Pawar still thinks he can make it to 7 RCR. So he won't fight the elections. Instead, like Manmohan Singh, he has sneaked into the Rajya Sabha and is contemplating who to back. One day he declaims that Modi is not a criminal because the courts have cleared him. A fortnight later, he calls Modi a mass murderer. But Ashok Singhal, the venerable VHP leader, has the last laugh. Every true Indian, he argues, must produce 5 kids to keep Hindutva refreshed.
Rahul's high voltage campaign is a damp squib. Wherever I go I see him staring down at me in different, pensive postures from posters, kiosks, hoardings. (I have even seen a poster of him where he looked as if he was digging his nose.) Proving once again that monster budgets can't assure you monster impact. When your credibility is zero, you can spend thousands of crores but it won't fetch you one extra vote.
The tragedy is that even the Congress' most loyal supporters can't find a good enough reason to vote for it. The only votes it may get are from those who want to keep Modi out. This will get some seats for AAP too. But then, AAP is fielding some fine people. The Congress looks as if it will go with its old rogues. One good outcome of this bad decision may be that the entire lot could go missing from the Opposition benches in the new parliament.
As for Modi, I can't figure his strategy. He goes to Bihar, runs down Nitish. He goes to Orissa, runs down Naveen. He goes to Bengal, runs down Mamata. Where is he going to find alliance partners? Or does he really think he can do it on his own?
The Wonderland of politics has its own crazy logic. The more you turn things upside down, the better they tend to look. We are, as Vishy Anand would say, in zugzwang. Once the new MPs sit in Central Hall, the Mad Hatter's Ball could be replaced by a switcheroo. Hopefully it will be as much fun.
Why is a raven like a writing desk? The Mad Hatter asked Alice. She had no answer. But if I were you, I would beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch.
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