Are you stuck in a Buzzy-Bee relationship?

Vinita Dawra Nangia
20 April 2014, 08:03 AM IST

Relationships are good or bad – and then there are those that are neither. Such relationships just don't move, and that's what is so insidious about these!

A good, normal relationship bestows a warm, cared-for feel. It boosts your inner reserves of strength and confidence, giving you an extra edge to face the world. You sense encouragement from your partner or friend to move ahead in life, as well as to grow together. I call such a relationship The Cocoon.

The same relationship, if gone wrong, can turn a person into a nervous wreck, lacking self-confidence and unable to adopt a positive approach. Everything seems to fall apart and rather than looking forward to being together, you learn to be wary of your partner, watching your words as well as your back when together. I call this The Nosedive Relationship.

And then there are relationships that are neither becoming better, nor worsening. They just are. These buzz around the same place like a bee caught in your hair – buzzing and creating a stir, but not moving on. You fight, make-up, fight again. Or you keep discussing or doing the same things repeatedly. While there is a decided comfort in familiarity and repetitive routines, The Buzzy-Bee Relationships are more or less dead ties as they take you nowhere nor are sustaining in themselves.

Obviously, The Cocoon is the best kind of relationship, where partners nurture and encourage each other to move forward and act as good sounding boards.The contribution of a partner in shaking us out of stupor or complacency cannot be undermined. It is critical to have a partner or friend who is unsparing in his criticism and unstinting in his praise.

The Nosedive of course is the worst, where partners pull each other down and create more negativity for all those in contact with them. Like a festering wound, these relationships need to be disinfected and removed, if they cannot be cured.

However the most harmful are the Buzzy Bee Relationships. Here, you do not realise how insidiously the relationship is eating into your innards, preventing mental, emotional or spiritual growth. Too comfortable in such a relationship, we do not even realize the harm we are causing not just ourselves but our partners as well. We seem to be seesawing all the time, refusing to see the need to move on.

How does one understand when a relationship is stagnating and what steps can you take to salvage such a relationship?

Boredom is a sure sign that your relationship is stagnating. Do you feel bored around each other, seeking other company? Obviously you are not engaging each other enough and need to look for common points of interest as well as things that impassion both of you.

Fighting! Some difference of opinion and discussions are healthy, but constant bickering and pulling each other down and negating opinions is a sign that both of you have stopped appreciating each other's individual viewpoints and value system. Draw back and make amends.

Lack of Respect Do you value each other's differences as much as you did earlier? Do you feel you get enough space and regard from your spouse? Respect is an important aspect of a relationship. We may not be able to respect everything about each other, but we do need to be aware of those aspects in our spouse that we appreciate and respect. And we need to vocalize this!

Dream Divide! Do you have goals and dreams that are incompatible? You could help each other understand your dream better. However, a total divergence of goals may create a serious issue -- for instance if one of you wishes to set up a chemical manufacturing industry and the other is a passionate environmentalist!

One-way street In a relationship, you can keep giving and getting nothing in return – and finally you have given so much that all that's left is a hollow. And that is when you figure out it was all along a one-sided relationship. And that last bit you had best save for yourself, be it your dignity, your self-respect or independence… you do not want to be taken for granted anymore.

Equal Dedication Both sides have to be equally determined and dedicated to make a relationship work. If you see all efforts being made by you alone while the other side seems not to have the time, patience nor inclination to work on the relationship, you know you are working a dead cause. You realize there was no balance in the relationship, since the other side was not ready to budge and inch from their stances. Relationships need caring for and nurturing from both sides…

Keeping a relationship dynamic and comforting is an ongoing effort that both parties need to make by setting aside time for and drawing up a schedule of togetherness and learning from each other. You have a responsibility towards your spouse to take him/her along with you on your journey, or at least to keep them informed enough, not to feel left out of any aspect of your life.